Life feels different.
I’ve been trying to work out exactly how. What exactly has changed?
The shops are shut. There are less groceries on the shelves. I can’t just “pop” in to get something, I need to plan, and queue. I am doing less driving.
There is nowhere to go.
Surprisingly I do not miss these things.
I am more present.
It is difficult to plan anything, because as yet we don’t know how long this situation will last.
I find that a huge amount of my mental energy has been spent on plans. What I will do in the summer. When I will meet with that friend. How we will organise Christmas with various family members. Whether we will go to that show or see that comedian.
The actual texture of the days is unchanged, waking, dressing, working, chores, meals, evenings of playing cards or watching Netflix, sleep.
This is interesting.
That a lot of my “busyness” wasn’t actual, it was mental, busy thoughts, busy plans.
While I find the uncertainty unsettling I am thankful for the limits on my choices. There has been, though I didn’t notice it, a pervasive “ought” around going out and doing. I am thankful to be here having time to inhabit my actual, present life.
There is something changeless here, the rhythm of days, it soothes me.
I await the unfolding.