Must be funny.

Etc.

I’m working through the #moneylove course with Vix at New Age Hipster.  Today I’m reflecting on what it means to be prosperous, and wondering what my life would look like if I had all the cash stuff completely sorted.

And it surprises me.

I fell into self-employment about eighteen months ago and since then I have been in a metaphorical hamster wheel of frenetic activity.  I began working for myself after having to resign my job due to poor health.  So then I panicked.  Must provide for family, like Boxer in Animal Farm, must work harder.  I pulled out all the stops, gathered all my tradeable skills, set off in several different directions at once and haven’t stopped since.

On one level this has been great.  I’m better now on so many levels.  I’m bringing in enough money to cover the bills and sometimes there’s spare cash.  I don’t have any consumer debt.  But it doesn’t feel like enough.  So I keep chasing the bookings, and the training that will keep me up to date and in demand.

Thinking about this question today I feel like I don’t actually need “more”.  I need to simplify. Clear the decks. Cut back.  Like pruning back the dead wood after winter.  I feel that I will be happier if I can learn contentment, to honestly take control of my work and my spending and know what is sufficiency.

For me abundance will feel like a lack of worry about money.  It will feel like it is a tool, something useful, but not something which carries any emotional weight. I have a lot of emotional baggage around money! Who knew?  Fear.  Desire. Anxiety. Confusion.  If I think of it as just the notes and coins in my purse then it seems so small, but the idea of wealth, and the fear of poverty are such strong ghosts to contend with.  Shadows and illusions.  Nightmares sometimes.  Like running from something that’s always at my heels, or frantically trying to get to a destination that is always just out of reach.

Money isn’t really what it is about after all. I know it helps.  I’ve been in places where it was a serious concern, but that isn’t this time, that is a previous chapter of the story.  Instead it is about learning what I need to be content.  The basics are covered.  What else?  Time is important, having choices and not being tied to someone else’s timetable. Health is also vital, the sense of wellbeing on all levels to live life with energy and enthusiasm.  Enjoying the natural world. Family.

So I am hoping that over the next four weeks I will be able to deal with not only the practicalities of getting finances in check but also exploring the emotional baggage that goes with it and letting that go.  And then get on with living.