The sticking place

I watched our priestess circle call yesterday.  Our teacher was talking about intentions and about our commitments.  She talked about her own experiences, and how there are some intentions that she continues to set every day.  For her this is part of committing to that intention and keeping it alive and present, as well as reminding herself it is something she is working on.8 of swords

Then she spoke about commitments.

Now I have always thought of commitments as the things I do.  In the past, when I went to church, that was one of my commitments.  In the years when I served on various committees those were my commitments.  And I would say that I’m committed to my family.  They are important to me.  In this sense it’s about loyalty and showing up.

But she gave me a new way of looking at commitments.  She asked us to look at our lives and see, in real terms, what we were committed to.  She said that we manifest, make real, the things we are committed to.

So, I looked at my life.

Now, as prelude to this, I will share that I have set some intentions in the past few months, about the work I would like to do, and the direction I would like my life to take.  I’ve spent time journaling and visualising and creating rituals to set my intent.  I have taken some steps to make this real, setting up a business website, completing my 100 readings as part of my initiation as a tarot reader, taking a life coaching class…

But when I look at my life it isn’t that stuff that I’m committed to.  What I’m committed to, it would appear, is over work, being too busy, and being constantly tired.

Because that is what is here. And that is what I continue to create.   I say out loud that I want to have a different life.

But it scares me.

I keep the door to another life open.  Because I know it. And because in practical terms it pays the bills and provides for my family.

Now I’m not advocating throwing it all in and leaving my loved ones homeless and starving.  But.

Then, later in the circle, we made a journey together.  We went to visit our inner priestess who we’d encountered right at the start of the programme.  In the vision she showed me something I really didn’t expect.    I saw myself carefully moving obstacles into my own path.  I was shifting giant boxes so that the way ahead would be difficult to navigate or completely impassable. And I was doing it all very quietly and subtly so that my “waking” self wouldn’t see.

Sabotage!

It is both ridiculous and shocking.

I am left with a sense of having been woken from a dream, and also, utter bewilderment.  I can see now the pattern I’ve been creating and living and reliving.

The question remains, if that is not the “real deal” what is?  Is my new dream valid, or is it another impossible construct that will prove unobtainable as my inner self works to undermine?

Time is needed.  Have I got the courage to step into a new way of being, to unstick myself and be free?  What comes next is a mystery…

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