Sometime around 8 o’clock this morning it hit me.
I’ve been having counselling now for about a year and a half. The other day I was thinking about endings and wondering when I will be ready to stop…
And it came to me, between drying dishes and sorting laundry.
When you believe you are ok.
When I believe that I’m ok as I am, when I can look in the mirror and think “yes, I like you, you I can live with.”
Because at that point all the other things that I wrestle with; over work, perfectionism, self-doubt, boundaries will fade away, because their roots lie in low self-worth. And if I transform the roots, the other things will no longer have the food they need to live and will die away.
I’m not there yet. But I will be. I know this now.
This comes in part with owning my “shadow”, as I wrote the other week. Not so that I can bleach it into oblivion. Not for spiritual jet washing through high vibration shenanigans. I am not going to meditate myself out of my shadow. I am going to see it and embrace it.
Because it is me.
It made me think of the moon. When she is shining brightly on us it is her sunlit face we see. Half of her is always in shadow, even when she is full. Yet she is always whole. If we got rid of her shadow side she would only be in part. Like a paper disc, flattened.
If I scrub and clean with my spiritual tools until there is no trace of anger or jealousy or rage or passion what will become of me. I will, for a start, be inhuman. And only a paper person. Two dimensional.
This thought gives me such a feeling of joy. That I can be good enough and that is ok. That I can stop reprimanding myself, that I can stop trying to bend my mind into saintliness, that I can start living without my internal headmistress constantly tutting at my imperfections. I have shut her in her office and thrown away the key. Better still sacked her and sent her far away to get some sun and perspective. **Throws straw boater into air and cheers.**
I was sharing these thoughts with my dear friend and soul sister this morning; talking about agreeing to this process, about being open to it, because I can only sit within it and allow it, it cannot be forced, and she reminded me….
this is grace. That in my current state, holding both light and dark aspects of my character, I am a whole person; fully human.