I’m on a healing journey.  It would be hard to say when it started but it’s been particularly relevant the past year.  Last week I was talking with a friend and I began to wonder how will I know when I’m better?  When I think about being well what am I expecting?

I think I had the idea that better was, maybe, perfect.  No aches and pains, no tiredness or dizziness, boundless energy.  And when I think about that idea of better I realise that that isn’t what it is.  Because that wasn’t where I started.

In any case where I started and where I finish won’t be the same place.  When I began experiencing this set of symptoms I was in a very different place.  I was in a full time job, addicted to overwork, functioning with old patterns that were no longer helpful.  I don’t want to go back to that.

So when I think about feeling better I realise I am closer to that place than I have been before and that in turning through a spiral of the year I find myself looking back with fresh eyes.

Where I will end up is unknown, in any case I am starting to understand that there isn’t an end point, at least not in this physical life.  But the journey is one of my greatest teachers.   I am learning to work with reiki, crystals, meditation, walking, nature, writing and diet for better health.  I am learning to be honest about who I am. All these, along with the support of an excellent therapist, are drawing me back into my body and leading me to greater self-care.

The word “better” is deceiving.  It implies that what was before was worse, when in truth it was only different.  Am I better?  No.  But I am becoming whole.