I’m on a healing journey. It would be hard to say when it started but it’s been particularly relevant the past year. Last week I was talking with a friend and I began to wonder how will I know when I’m better? When I think about being well what am I expecting?
I think I had the idea that better was, maybe, perfect. No aches and pains, no tiredness or dizziness, boundless energy. And when I think about that idea of better I realise that that isn’t what it is. Because that wasn’t where I started.
In any case where I started and where I finish won’t be the same place. When I began experiencing this set of symptoms I was in a very different place. I was in a full time job, addicted to overwork, functioning with old patterns that were no longer helpful. I don’t want to go back to that.
So when I think about feeling better I realise I am closer to that place than I have been before and that in turning through a spiral of the year I find myself looking back with fresh eyes.
Where I will end up is unknown, in any case I am starting to understand that there isn’t an end point, at least not in this physical life. But the journey is one of my greatest teachers. I am learning to work with reiki, crystals, meditation, walking, nature, writing and diet for better health. I am learning to be honest about who I am. All these, along with the support of an excellent therapist, are drawing me back into my body and leading me to greater self-care.
The word “better” is deceiving. It implies that what was before was worse, when in truth it was only different. Am I better? No. But I am becoming whole.