I dream of journeys.

I don’t record my dreams, but it feels like this has been a theme for a while.

I am in an airport with my first husband, the children are younger.  We are working out where to go to catch our flight.  He leaves to make enquiries.  I am adrift in a space with red walls and charcoal grey flooring.  After a while my phone rings.  He tells me I’m in the wrong terminal.  He is in the right place and I have to get there before the plane leaves.  I don’t have my bags.  Or my children…

I am at a station.  I have a whole load of suitcases, heavy and unwieldy.  I need to get to my train.  I ask politely and am directed to platform four.  But when I get there, there is no train.  The announcements are confusing.  I look for a member of staff but there is no-one there.  I have left, as always, plenty of time, but in the last instant an announcement tells me I need to be on a different platform.  I have to cross the tracks, via a footbridge.  I cannot manoeuvre my case, despite my best efforts.I will not make it in time.  I will miss my connection.

I am on a train, looking for my seat.  I need to find the right seat, this is very important, I have a numbered ticket. I ask people in each carriage, each give me directions which I follow as best as I can. I know the guard will be furious if I’m not in the right place, but no matter how hard I try I can’t find my seat. It doesn’t seem to exist.

These.

And others like them

It is only yesterday morning that I wake up and make the connection.

Since my stroke in 2008 I have been trying to get somewhere.  I thought it was to a more balanced life.  Or to my “life purpose”. Or to wellness; the day I woke up feeling connected and peaceful and entirely aligned.  I have been working really hard – in reality, and in my thinking life – to make this happen.  I have refused to believe it isn’t possible, gosh darn it.

It has been exhausting.  And I haven’t managed to find the elusive destination (as shown in all those dreams).

Instead…

It seems I was here all along.  Suddenly and without warning it drops into consciousness, and it’s so obvious, where it wasn’t five minutes ago…this is exactly where I need to be.  In this place, with these people, doing these things.  This is it.  There’s nowhere to go. Nowhere to run.

This is such a novel idea and sensation.

To simply be.

To have time to catch my breath.