I dream of journeys.
I don’t record my dreams, but it feels like this has been a theme for a while.
I am in an airport with my first husband, the children are younger. We are working out where to go to catch our flight. He leaves to make enquiries. I am adrift in a space with red walls and charcoal grey flooring. After a while my phone rings. He tells me I’m in the wrong terminal. He is in the right place and I have to get there before the plane leaves. I don’t have my bags. Or my children…
I am at a station. I have a whole load of suitcases, heavy and unwieldy. I need to get to my train. I ask politely and am directed to platform four. But when I get there, there is no train. The announcements are confusing. I look for a member of staff but there is no-one there. I have left, as always, plenty of time, but in the last instant an announcement tells me I need to be on a different platform. I have to cross the tracks, via a footbridge. I cannot manoeuvre my case, despite my best efforts.I will not make it in time. I will miss my connection.
I am on a train, looking for my seat. I need to find the right seat, this is very important, I have a numbered ticket. I ask people in each carriage, each give me directions which I follow as best as I can. I know the guard will be furious if I’m not in the right place, but no matter how hard I try I can’t find my seat. It doesn’t seem to exist.
And others like them
It is only yesterday morning that I wake up and make the connection.
Since my stroke in 2008 I have been trying to get somewhere. I thought it was to a more balanced life. Or to my “life purpose”. Or to wellness; the day I woke up feeling connected and peaceful and entirely aligned. I have been working really hard – in reality, and in my thinking life – to make this happen. I have refused to believe it isn’t possible, gosh darn it.
It has been exhausting. And I haven’t managed to find the elusive destination (as shown in all those dreams).
It seems I was here all along. Suddenly and without warning it drops into consciousness, and it’s so obvious, where it wasn’t five minutes ago…this is exactly where I need to be. In this place, with these people, doing these things. This is it. There’s nowhere to go. Nowhere to run.
This is such a novel idea and sensation.
To simply be.
To have time to catch my breath.