The Reluctant Activist

I’ve been reflecting on this part of my life story.

I’ve always wanted to be an activist but never felt I was. I have never been to a rally or protest (not being overly fond of crowds). I have never chained myself to a tree or lain down in front of a bulldozer like Arthur Dent. I can lack motivation, be in a black dog mood and unable to get myself out of the door, be scared of meeting people, and, every now and again, lose hope.

But if I look back I can see a thread that runs from my teens to today. It started in church, as a lot of my story does, up until my late thirties church was the framework that I stretched my life’s tent over. World Vision used to do a twenty-four hour fast event to raise funds for children living without enough food. I also joined my friend Zoe on an anti-apartheid sponsored walk, and when I learned about Climate Change in 1988 I joined a few environmental charities and started amending my lifestyle.

Then in my early twenties I spent a few years campaigning against Nestle with Baby Milk Action. I also joined our local Green Party and campaigned for them.

At twenty-three I became a mother for the first time and (as it turned out) that would be an all-consuming thing for many years. I also trained and worked as a teacher, and a lay minister. Any social action would have been through the church but in all honesty I got a bit lost in the machine of the Church of England and my activist self went underground.

Flash forward to my early forties and the demands of parenting and caring for older parents was, in some ways at least, less loud. I began a few citizen science actions, like counting bees monthly for the BBCT, as well as litter picking in the local area. I set up a Neighbourhood Watch group, to try and build some local connections in the streets where I live and support people facing social isolation, and I am setting up a screening of the crucial National Emergency Briefing. Knowing how we live in a biodiversity crisis, I “rewilded” our tiny garden, seeking to create a space where bees, butterflies and birds can shelter and feed These are small actions, but manageable with a chronic illness and variable moods. So whoop de doo and that’s enough of that virtue signalling I hear you cry.

So far, so safe.

Two days ago a small voice started in the back of my mind, “this could be the time!” It was wearing patched jeans, and a headscarf and looked a bit like Barbara Good in the seventies show The Good Life..

I am not blessed with blinding self-confidence, so to step up and say “this is what I am doing now”, is scary, and also feels like over-egging the pudding. I guess part of me would rather stick my head under the duvet and get lost in a novel or natural history book. Especially if there’s also tea and chocolate.

Here’s the rub. I believe we only have one life.

I believe it is our job to help all other beings on this planet and to share the space we live in with those beings responsibly.

I don’t have anything to hide behind anymore, no kids to raise, no parent to nurse, no professional responsibilities.

This path will need a reflective mindset, yes, and the need to continually screw my courage to the sticking place, get out of my head, out of my front door, and do what I can.

We can’t all be on the frontlines, outside parliament, on the streets, or in police cells having our civil liberties eroded, but, all of us, can do one thing to help nature, to help each other, to help our planet.

This is my rallying cry, to reluctant activists everywhere, because if we don’t do it, who will?

Let us fill up our reusable mugs, pack our snacks, and step out in sensible footwear to take one small, hopeful action at a time.

Stopping and Resting

I have been reconnecting to mindfulness practise in the past few weeks. I’m a student of Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh and his teachings have, over the past seven years or so, literally saved my life.

But last year I got myself into a pickle. I really, really wanted to dive into belonging to the community of Plum Village

I had studied with their courses in the UK for several years, joined a sangha (online, because travelling can be a challenge) and begun a regular practise of mindful breathing and walking.

But I needed that extra thing, to belong, to receive the Five Mindfulness Trainings, to become One of Us.

Maybe this has its roots in a lifelong feeling of being Other, or outside, maybe in not being allowed to join the popular kids’ games at school, maybe in my astrology or neurodiversity or any one of a hundred other psychological gifts that makes up the unique brain of a human creature.

Whatever it was, the deep desire, the heartfelt aspiration, had been with me for a number of years. I prepared as best I could, I booked onto a retreat where the ceremony to receive the trainings would be offered. I bought appropriate luggage for a somewhat disabled person to carry on a long-ish solo journey. I planned the travel.

In the week before the retreat my symptoms started to flare. I ignored them. I was going. This was my moment. But, as anyone living with long-term health needs knows, when the body knows, it knows.

By the day of the retreat I was really not feeling my best, I could not walk effectively, and was lost as to how I would make a journey of several hundred miles by train, with luggage, alone, to participate. In that moment of fear and loss I sent my apologies. I was angry that my body had (again) “let me down”. I felt that there had been insurmountable obstacles to my participating and belonging, and I was hurt and sad. The hurt and sadness was so deep I stopped my practise, maybe this was just not for me, and it was time to let go.

I don’t know how many times this has to happen before I really listen. I have a sense that Thay would smile at me, and very gently remind me that I was too attached to the idea of the Mindfulness Trainings. That standing up in a ceremony is not what makes a practitioner. What makes a practitioner is, well, practise. That the journey is just that, a journey, not a destination. That we practise every moment we are alive, not just in retreats or sanghas or even on our cushion.

So I am beginning again, smiling at my own rules which tie me in knots (or is that nots) and ever so gently breathing into the gift of stopping and resting.

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in, breathing out, I know I am breathing out.

Breathing in, I allow my body to stop, breathing out I allow my mind to rest.

The Wheel Turns

White plum blossom on our allotment tree – photo by Fiona Beth

This morning I went to the allotment and the plum blossom was out, bubbling over the bare, grey branches, shocking against a rain streaked sky.

Like the blossom I feel I am emerging from a long winter. Somewhere in 2023 I put myself back in a box I had long been trying to leave behind. It felt comfortable, safe, played to my strengths. And it helped me find my feet, in a new part of the country. Sometimes too much new is overwhelming and that comfy, old shirt that is really past its best is the only thing that will do.

Living with chronic health needs is always an evolution. Eventually, despite loving the people and the knowledge that there was still a lot of work there I could help with, I had to listen to the body’s wisdom. Last week I worked my final day as a primary school teacher. It was a day of gifts. We made a hole in a piece of paper big enough for a teacher to climb through (with many yells of excitement and disbelief), we had a battle to create the longest ever paperchain from a single sheet of A4 (and the kids beat the teacher, more jubilation), and they created supersonic paper planes and helicopters that fell with speed and style.

In between the sunlight and sleet showers, the kind words and goodbye hugs, the knot began to untie. I was crawling under the tables retrieving felt tip pens and stray scraps of paper, when I felt it loosen.

And here I am. Starting a new chapter. The journey so far has been plotted at every step, I have always known what I am going to next, a goodbye was the prelude to new horizons. This time the path is not mapped, as I try a different way to shape life’s pattern. The old one leads to burn out, sickness, limping around with a stick and bed rest on sunny days when I want to be out in the wild.

This one? I know there will be days on the plot, setting seeds and tending crops, and moments of wonder watching the birds and garden wildlife at home. I know there will be walks in the woods to count bees or pick litter. I hope there will be plenty of space for reading, freshly brewed tea and long conversations with kindred spirits.

Beyond that, the path will unfold, in its own time, as I seek to listen to a wilder wisdom.