The Reluctant Activist

I’ve been reflecting on this part of my life story.

I’ve always wanted to be an activist but never felt I was. I have never been to a rally or protest (not being overly fond of crowds). I have never chained myself to a tree or lain down in front of a bulldozer like Arthur Dent. I can lack motivation, be in a black dog mood and unable to get myself out of the door, be scared of meeting people, and, every now and again, lose hope.

But if I look back I can see a thread that runs from my teens to today. It started in church, as a lot of my story does, up until my late thirties church was the framework that I stretched my life’s tent over. World Vision used to do a twenty-four hour fast event to raise funds for children living without enough food. I also joined my friend Zoe on an anti-apartheid sponsored walk, and when I learned about Climate Change in 1988 I joined a few environmental charities and started amending my lifestyle.

Then in my early twenties I spent a few years campaigning against Nestle with Baby Milk Action. I also joined our local Green Party and campaigned for them.

At twenty-three I became a mother for the first time and (as it turned out) that would be an all-consuming thing for many years. I also trained and worked as a teacher, and a lay minister. Any social action would have been through the church but in all honesty I got a bit lost in the machine of the Church of England and my activist self went underground.

Flash forward to my early forties and the demands of parenting and caring for older parents was, in some ways at least, less loud. I began a few citizen science actions, like counting bees monthly for the BBCT, as well as litter picking in the local area. I set up a Neighbourhood Watch group, to try and build some local connections in the streets where I live and support people facing social isolation, and I am setting up a screening of the crucial National Emergency Briefing. Knowing how we live in a biodiversity crisis, I “rewilded” our tiny garden, seeking to create a space where bees, butterflies and birds can shelter and feed These are small actions, but manageable with a chronic illness and variable moods. So whoop de doo and that’s enough of that virtue signalling I hear you cry.

So far, so safe.

Two days ago a small voice started in the back of my mind, “this could be the time!” It was wearing patched jeans, and a headscarf and looked a bit like Barbara Good in the seventies show The Good Life..

I am not blessed with blinding self-confidence, so to step up and say “this is what I am doing now”, is scary, and also feels like over-egging the pudding. I guess part of me would rather stick my head under the duvet and get lost in a novel or natural history book. Especially if there’s also tea and chocolate.

Here’s the rub. I believe we only have one life.

I believe it is our job to help all other beings on this planet and to share the space we live in with those beings responsibly.

I don’t have anything to hide behind anymore, no kids to raise, no parent to nurse, no professional responsibilities.

This path will need a reflective mindset, yes, and the need to continually screw my courage to the sticking place, get out of my head, out of my front door, and do what I can.

We can’t all be on the frontlines, outside parliament, on the streets, or in police cells having our civil liberties eroded, but, all of us, can do one thing to help nature, to help each other, to help our planet.

This is my rallying cry, to reluctant activists everywhere, because if we don’t do it, who will?

Let us fill up our reusable mugs, pack our snacks, and step out in sensible footwear to take one small, hopeful action at a time.

Always running

Wild Cherry blossom at Beacon Hill Country Park. Photo by Fiona Phillips.

I wrote last week about the mindfulness class I’m taking with Plum Village UK. I was sitting recently practicing when these words floated into my awareness, “always running.”

They felt different to my usual distractions, like whether I have enough cat food, what someone meant when they said a particular thing two years ago at that meeting, whether I am doing meditation “right” and so forth.

As I was breathing I could see myself fixed in this spot in space and time on my cushion. I could see myself in the past hurtling towards this moment, and I could see how my brain was always busy hurtling me onwards into the future. I was always running. I was either running from something or desperate to get somewhere else. This moment never featured.

I have been working with the ideas of being versus doing now for maybe twenty years, but I still get caught in the habit of doing. When I recently left my job I immediately wanted to know what I would “do” next. People often ask this too, “what are you doing now?” And I feel like I need to have an answer, well, I’m taking that course, or I plan to start up this project, or I am applying for this or that role. It is a hamster-wheel of never ending action.

I began to wonder where this came from. Some of it I can see arises out of my culture and upbringing. But some of it comes from a different place.

Around fifteen years ago I was having some health difficulties. After assorted tests and scans I was told, very directly, that a small part of my brain was dead, most likely as the result of a small stroke.

I was thirty five years old at the time, with two young children. It was the first time I had ever had reason to believe I was mortal. For some time after a stroke your risk of a second attack is high. I spent several years living with a lot of fear. I was determined to make the most of my life, to live it as fully as possible, to “make a contribution” to do something worthwhile. I would like to say that this was rewarding and nourishing, but, if it were possible, I became even more driven than I had been before. The clock was ticking, and now I could hear it!

This sense of death shadowing my steps has persisted through a decade and a half. While I told myself that of course none of us know the day or hour we will cease this form of existence, and that life is precious and brief, this didn’t help me to live with greater joy. I saw, in my meditation, that I had set off running, in two directions at once. I was running away, as fast as I could, from the idea of my own demise and health issues. And I was running as fast as I could to this unknown outcome of achieving my “life’s purpose”.

This is an exhausting state to live in. I have not known much peace during these years, fearing missing the as yet identified boat of my life’s work and dying with this elusive thing unknown or unachieved.

Mindfulness has given me a gift; it has shown me that there is another way, and I am allowed to stop running! There isn’t anywhere to get from, and there isn’t anywhere to get to. I am already here. As Thay says, “I have arrived, I am home.”

This has been an enormous shift.

And I find for the first time in many years, that I have genuine moments of peace.